Forever Young
About two weeks after we lost our baby at the beginning of 2019, we took a slow Sunday drive down the Tasman Peninsula in search of solace. Nature had always been our medicine.
Early into the drive, we pulled over on the side of a dirt road to check our directions. While I sat numb, staring straight ahead and Bear looked over the map, Rumi from the backseat remarked, ‘Wow! Mama. Look at that.’ I turned left to look out my window and out across a field of wild flowers, at the bottom of a ridge, on the other side of a little creek stood a pure white deer with a few short points adorning it’s crown. It looked young and sturdy, yet wise and regal — a mystical creature, looking directly at us.
It did not move an inch.
It stood it’s ground.
Unwavering.
Stone still.
It’s presence sent shivers down my spine.
The three of us sat in absolute silence, captivated yet bewildered by what we could see. After a few moments Rumi broke the silence, asking what kind of creature it was and almost in unison Bear and I mumbled, ‘I don’t know...’
We slowly drove on and as we got further down the road I whispered, ‘I think that may have been the spirit of our baby’.
Bear reached for my hand. No one spoke.
•
Over the past few months, Rumi has been talking a lot about the sister he almost had. Expressing to us that it is important for him that we recognise her as a child and that she have a name. His heartfelt words stirred in me feelings that I have felt, but not spoken. So after a few open family discussions a name, that we had long considered for Omar but now realise was never meant for him, will be hers.
Our first and only daughter.
One whose presence was fleeting yet life altering.
One, who perhaps was the white deer out across that field.
Juniper — it means forever young.
(Born 18 weeks old on March 1 2019 at the Royal Hobart Hospital, weighing 85g and 16cm long. Arriving a few days after her heart stopped beating at 4.43pm via a 2hr labour and surgery. Her tiny footprints are in the second image. Her heart, with us forever)
Thank you Rumi, for continuing to remind me that the heart wants to live open... not closed.
Love,
Alanna
