I Have Mothered Before
If I could explain
with words
what the experience of motherhood has been
it would be...
That confusion opened its gate
that shock introduced me to my body's ability to conceive
that heartache quickly ensued
inside the layered loss of our first baby.
The gate now open
my hands could feel
the unforeseeable chapters of motherhood
converging waves of heartache, magnificence and mystery.
Pain allowed me to witness
the primal source of all things
the life-force who dances untamed
the Goddess who moves between wordly seas.
A year later
our starseed returned
a Soul vast and ethereal
whose spirit lives beyond humanly bounds.
His graceful and sublime entry
surreal and right on God's time
a Sunday afternoon, his due date
upon the sacred hour of 2.22pm.
In between our sons
was our daughter, Juniper.
we would have called her Juni...Berry...
beloved daughter of fire.
Her arrival and departure
left us in stunning silence
it is a chapter from which my heart
will never fully mend.
Her entire happening, an invitation from life
to embody power through softening
and humility through the realisation
that grief knows no end.
Another year on
and Rumi was the only one who knew
that new life was swelling
in the walls of my womb.
Another boy, brilliant and bright
who entered the world at lightning speed
right into the hands of his loving father
who wept tears of joy and relief under a blue moon.
The arrival of our sons
the loss of daughter
and the relentless daily demand of motherhood
have striped, unveiled and reshaped me
held mirrors to all the places my Soul longs to grow
and shed light across the inner landscapes
in which my human still hides and roams.
There have been many moments
n my life
where I have doubted my ability
to rise and meet what was before me.
Surprisingly though
considering I never thought
the gates of motherhood would open
I have never doubted my ability to mother.
The expansive arrival of Rumi
the deep transformation of Juniper
and the immense upleveling of Omar
has drawn to my surface
qualities I did not know were mine.
Their becoming has mirrored my own
and drenched me in a familiarity that tells
I have done this
I have mothered
I have been here
many times before.
